TW: Pregnancy Loss
Today we want to answer a question pertaining to grief that is very near and dear to our hearts. This question had us wanting to offer our very honest and real advice for a very tender topic. If you aren’t ready to read something like this, please refrain from doing so and know that we are praying for you! Feel free to visit other Q&A posts we’ve written.
Q: “How do you cope with pregnancy loss and grief as a couple? How can we help each other move forward?”
A. First, thank you for bringing this up. I think the inclination of many married couples in the midst of grief is to become silent and grapple with their emotions alone. While privacy is so necessary at times, it’s also good to reach out for help and take steps in the healing process. We’d love to answer this question by essentially sharing our story in hopes that you will glean some insight from our experience.
Our Baby
We got married in the spring and by that same summer we were pregnant with our first child. Like all Catholic newlyweds, we were excited to eventually have a family. But we weren’t quite prepared for how quickly God wanted us to start a family and we were scared. This fear quickly turned into excitement, though, over the new little life we would soon meet.
Telling our family about our baby was very special and those are memories we’ll hold on to forever. They are the very few we got to make. We’ll keep all of the intimate details tucked close to our hearts, but as it happened, our child was born into heaven instead of our arms.
With less than a year of marriage to fall back on for support, we were devastated. All of the plans we had made were gone. We had formed dreams of family vacations, outfits we’d buy, and names we’d use. It felt cruel that those had all been swiped in what felt like an instant. We couldn’t believe we were dealing with something so heartbreaking so quickly into our married life. Was this really what marriage was like?
Recovery
The next few months (and honestly years) were wrought with a lot of emotions. There were many, many tears at random times. During those painful months, we held each other a lot. We wrote to our heavenly child. We went on dates and kept something always on the calendar. It was very hard not to fall into despair over wondering if we would again have the chance to be parents. Maybe this would happen again. Maybe we’d now struggle with infertility. There were so many unknowns and it was very tempting to spiral.
We both processed things very differently. Joey, like many fathers, grieved with a lot of silence. I (Megan) dealt with my large feelings with a lot of talking, writing, and doing things that brought me comfort like spending time with my young nephew. Neither were right or wrong as there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it certainly taught us a lot about what to do and what not to do in a grief journey together. Not only did we learn about each other, but also about the meaning of marriage at it’s core – in sickness and in health.
You never actually “recover” from a loss like this because it leaves a stamp on your hearts in a profound way. But recovery isn’t necessarily the goal so much as acceptance and hope are. You always feel a sting, however, there IS healing and there IS grace with every passing day. Through God’s infinite mercy, you can make it to the other side where hope and joy exist. At almost 8 years removed from the loss of our sweet baby, we truly can reflect on his life with peace. In fact, we are incredibly grateful for the motivation he gives us to make it to heaven. And we also feel so fortunate to have a personal saint that intercedes for us daily. We feel humbled that God would choose us for that honor.
This isn’t to say we don’t still cry over what could have been from a place of human lack of understanding. But we are now truly living in the acceptance phase of the journey and we know that other’s can get there, too.
“What do we do?”
There is no one-size fits all list of steps to healing from the loss of a child. Some of these things may be very helpful to some and heart wrenching to others. But this is our consolidated list of advice for any couple that faces pregnancy loss:
1. Name Your Baby
Your child was fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Even if you do not know the gender of your child, it is important to name your baby. Though it may feel incredibly painful now, you will be glad you did as you go to invoke that child by name in prayer later. You are still that child’s parents and it is your privilege.
2. Be as Private or as Public as You‘d Like
You may be surprised that you suddenly either became a very vocal griever or a very private griever after your loss and it may be different from who you typically are as a person. I (Megan) am normally a semi-outgoing person and open with my life. After my pregnancy I was extremely private; to the point that I didn’t want to share my loss with anyone except for my very closest circle. Other’s didn’t always agree with me and there are times my privacy was violated, but I’m still glad that I was so quiet because it was what I personally needed. I know other women, however, that find great comfort in being very open with their loss and their entire experience and that is perfectly acceptable, too. Be confident in the type of griever both you and your spouse are and do not feel pressure to change that.
3. Pray Through the Intercession of Your Child
The truth is, you now have a family saint. You can rest in the knowledge that your child, untouched by sin, was immediately welcomed into the gates of heaven through your baptism of desire as his or her parents. And any person who gains entrance into heaven is a saint. So you are the parents of a saint! In the same way Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin are parents to St. Therese, you are parents to a child who will see the face of God for all eternity. Therefore, it’s so important that you pray through your child’s intercession.
4. Offer your Suffering for Others Enduring the Same Cross
Pregnancy loss is such a heartbreaking reality that exists in our broken world. But realizing you are far from alone in this tragedy can be strangely comforting. 1 in 5 women experience miscarriage and so remembering this and using your pain to pray for the pain of others can be powerful. Carrying your cross of grief is so hard, but you can’t use it fruitfully to pray for those carrying the same cross around you.
5. Write Letters to Your Child
I (Megan) found it very therapeutic, especially in the beginning, to write letters to my child. I poured out all of my thoughts and feelings on paper and didn’t hold back. Tell your son or daughter just how much you loved them, how wanted they were, the dreams you had for them, and prayers you have for the future. If you know of the promise of heaven, than you also know that they can absolutely hear you and will know what that letter says.
6. Give Each Other Space but Be Open
We can’t lie: it was really hard for us to communicate about our loss and to know when to speak up and when to be quiet for each other. When to be strong and when to be weak. So the best advice we can give in this area is to always be open with your spouse about how you are doing and when you are having particularly tough days; hiding your emotions from your spouse can be divisive in the healing process. While it’s important to not make your loss the topic of every conversation or claiming your grief is “worse” or stronger than the other person’s, it’s also important to bring everything forward. Some days it feels like you are walking on a tightrope as you balance processing your grief and not triggering your spouse. By being raw and real, though, you can both heal in closer union with the other.
7. Keep Yourselves Busy and Focus on Your Marriage
Having an empty calendar can often be an unfruitful trigger for grief. While you want to give yourself the time you need to grieve, there also comes a day when you must take steps forward in your healing journey. Busying yourself with fun activities, dates, and plans can be very helpful to regain hope and a positive outlook. Remember to focus on each other and your marriage while you do this; building your marriage up and connecting is one of the best helpmates in soothing grief. Don’t feel bad or “unhealed” if this phase of needing activity and fun lasts for a while. For us, we spent a solid six months in this phase of regrouping and needing to intentionally plan our lives and time together.
8. Increase Your Prayer Life Together
Having a child saint is a great motivator for growing in holiness as a couple. Increasing your prayer life together is a beautiful way to better journey towards heaven hand in hand. Allow your child to motivate you to begin praying the rosary together, increase your trips to the confessional, or spend more time in adoration. The closer your draw to Christ, the closer you will draw towards each other as well as your little saint.
9. Create a Memory Box
I (Megan) have spent many a day with my memory box revisiting every object that it holds. If it seems sad, it is. But it’s also very therapeutic and I’m so grateful to have tangible things that remind me of my child. From the letters I wrote to the onesies we had bought, it’s a beautiful tribute to my little saint. It’s there when I need it. At first, it only brought forward pain and honestly feelings of anger. But eventually those raw edges dulled and I’m very grateful to have it. So we invite you to collect things (anything really) that can help you feel connected to your child. Set these things aside for safe keeping and the days when they can eventually bring comfort.
10. Hope in the Resurrection
And finally, we are here to remind you that there is life eternal. There is more after this. And that beautiful day is when you will see your baby. You WILL hold your child, see his or her face, and be a family fully in the kingdom of heaven. It’s coming. The wait is unbearable, but take hope in the fact that you have a child waiting for you with open arms on the other side of this life. All you have to do is get there.
There is so much more we wish we could say. If you ever need to talk, we are here. You are not alone and we are praying for each and every person that comes across this post needing it in the same way that we did. Our inbox is always open for advice, consolation, or just a listening ear.
With Love,
Megan + Joey Wolf
St. Augustine Wolf, Pray for Us!
